Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Doubt

As I go through life disappointed by everyone I come across makes me doubt the human-race in general.  I have often wondered what my problem was; when I did a bit of soul searching.  I'm sure no one out there is listening anymore, but why not give it a try, right?  You know how they say your parents (be it grandparents, guardians, or aunts & uncles raising you)  build the foundation for the child they are supposedly raising to build on later?  My parents did not build any kind of foundation, nor leave me with any sort of love.  I have come to a very emotional & angry filled epiphany.  I have NEVER had a "relationahip" with ANYONE.  I practically raised myself and those things that my "family" was suppose to teach me, they never did.  I have carried that with me, never learning to make those relationships or even wante to make those relationships. Not one relationship with my mother, no relationship with my father, my brother, my sister, my cousins, my husband (now my ex), my children, my lovers, ect. Not one relationship was ever formed between them or I.  I have learned from the "great" people of the world that everyone will lie, cheat, hurt, steal, and stab you in the back the first opportunity they get.  So I doubt, I doubt everyone & everything because from the lessons I have learned from my life... You can't trust anyone or depend on anything.  Everyone, except me.  I feel so very alone in an extremely crowded room.  I feel almost alien.  I want to be the bad that everyone is.  My life is torrmented by the goodness that seeps out of me.  I do not want to be this person my Creator made me.  It is a lonely road desolate of others.  I am saddened at how little morals are left, all the lies that kept & told, all the theivary, all the lack of care for others wellbeings, all the souless acts the human race commit... and so on and so on.  I doubt everything when I usually have hope even if it is the tiniest strand I ALWAYS have hope, but I'm afraid as I sit here it is quickly becomming extinct.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Searching...

I feel like I have been searching for my purpose my entire life.  I feel it deep-seated into my very soul as if God has always been there to tell me I am His child and He does have a purpose for me.  I never really know exactly what it is I am looking for.  I just feel this nagging, pulling, wonderful, eternal feeling that I have something to accomplish that God has planned for me.  However, there comes this feeling of... I've done something wrong because I have gotten so very lost along the way and haven't found whatever it is that is waiting on me... 
I don't even know if you understand what I'm talking about but I hope you do...  I hope we can relate... anyway...
Due to my "screw-ups" and "bad decisions" I have gotten off the right path and have become lost.  And let me tell you, it takes a lot of work, patience, and perseverance to get back onto the right path but then that, "am I going in the right direction?" feeling rears it's ugly head.  Then I start to question if I am heading in the right direction or not...  You can call it doubt, fear, insecurity; but I call it evil trying to keep me from my purpose!  Pulling the strings of my weaknesses making me feel everything bad that has happened to me all over again and again.  But that feeling God has given me of having a purpose keeps my head above the water so that I don't drown in my past.  Keep on truckin' on!  The power of hope and faith has gotten me through a lot.  God is my engine that keeps me going...  I truly hope you have or can find that kind of hope and faith...

Until next time... 

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Having Faith...

Did you know that it is a proven fact that people who have faith in something are healthier than people who have faith in nothing at all (one of my favorite statistics by the way).  I have a saying... having faith in something is better than having no faith at all.  When you  feel as though you can't go on... if you just push through the pain, suffering, anxiety, or what ever you are going through you will make it and one day the sun will shine again... maybe not today or even tomorrow but I promise one day the sun will show it's smiling face again and you will feel it's warm embrace once more as long as you hold on to hope and have a little faith...  Today you may lose, you may get beaten down, or smacked in the face by life... but as long as you have a small strand of hope and stand strong in your faith (whatever it may be) you will rise again.  Just don't give up... don't let this world defeat you... and don't give in to that desperate feeling of hopelessness. 

Saturday, June 5, 2010

When it Rains it Pours...

Life can be full of ups and downs and for me it seems like there are more downs than ups but I know deep in my heart it's all going to be okay. Recently my van has broke down, I lost a beloved pet, my brand new computer crashed, and I am no longer able to have anymore babies! When it rains it pours, right? Now, I've been through enough to realize that if I can just keep trudging along and I'll eventually make it through the storms in my life and see all the rainbows! There may not be as many rainbows as there are storms but the quality of the rainbows make up for the quantity. I am a firm believer that quality trumps quantity any day!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Life's Unexpectancies

I have found that when I make plans those plans usually don't go as planned. But fortunately I have learned to get over it and go with the flow. Take for instance... I planned on getting married... But did I plan on my husband cheating on me... um NO, but that's the way the cookie crumbled and guess what I survived and have survived many other unexpectancies that life has thrown my way. I have come to find that it's the difficulties of my life that have made me stronger and smarter but a little jaded at the same time. I like what life's unexpectancies have done for me... sure they usually suck when they are happening but when they are all done and in the past I have grown as a person and I have become stronger. So the next time life throws unexpectancies your way keep on truckin' on and guess what it will eventually get better and for all your stress and hard work you'll be a stronger better person (as long as you don't lose your way). Remember... every cloud has a silver lining you just have to search for it!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

No Regrets!

Okay, so maybe I can't say NO regrets! I do have a couple but nothing that I dwell on... well I'll take that one back partially too. I regret ALL the time that I ever started smoking cigarettes! That's only because I smoke a pack a day but that is getting off the subject of having no regrets! Now, I have done some stupid things, I have been hurt too many times to count, I have done wrong things, and have made really bad decisions but I don't regret a minute of it! I have become stronger from my mistakes and have learned so many valuable lessons along the way that I would not change a thing (except for never smoking cigarettes). Plus, the past is over, it's gone and never coming back so why should I have regrets when I can't bring the past to the present? The only thing any of us can do is to learn, let go, and move on with life. The past is history, the future is a mystery, but this is the present (that's why we call it a present). Who knows what tomorrow will bring, learn from your past, and enjoy today! That's the key! You should try it some time...

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Finding Beauty in Everyday

Okay, lets face it life sucks. And though life sucks... there is so much beauty in this world that we miss it because we are too concentrated on exactly how bad life sucks. If people would just stop to look around and take in their surroundings they would see what I see. Even when I am in the city I can find beauty and I can't stand the city! Whether it's seeing kids playing and laughing in a yard or a couple (who you can tell are in love) sitting closely on a bench, it's there, ya know that spark of beauty. I find it to feel... peaceful and quiet when I have those moments. True beauty surrounds us daily we (people in general) just get too busy and miss it. But I promise if you just stop being so busy and look around for a brief moment you'll find it somewhere... hidden beneath the mess of this world.